How I Feel--What I Need

This is how I feel:

"Oh baby, if I was your lady

I will make you happy

I'm never gonna leave, never gonna leave

Oh baby, I would be your lady

I am going crazy...for you"

~Colbie Caillat, Oxygen~

This is what I need:

"Give me one pure and holy passion

Give me one magnificent obsession

Give me one glorious ambition for my life

To know and follow hard after You"

~Passion, Pure and Holy Passion~

I thought about this the other day--I am at a point right now where I hunger to hunger for God and His Word, I thirst to thirst for His living water. It's like, I am not compelled as I wish I was to spend more time with Him, I do not have this deep heart desire to talk with Him, though I wish to possess a Spirit driving towards Him. I woke up with the lyrics "How can I keep from singing Your praise..." going through my head, and, truly, how can I?

How in the world, when He has spoken so directly to me, can I doubt that He has spoken at all? How can I look at the circumstance that surround me, failing to focus my eyes on His love for me, the grace He has given to overcome, and the power of His name?

Mostly, I just want to be magnificently obsessed...

To look into someone's eyes way more often than Sunday evenings (as I did with Mrs. Ellen at the mall this past Sunday) and share that GOD LOVES THEM and mean it, because I feel it everday in the root of my being...that just as everything God does for us stems from His love for us, shouldn't everything that I do stem from my love for God? Of course, my love for Him will never compare--His love is unfailing and mine fails oh so often, and yet..yet, He is the author and PERFECTOR...does He not perfect our love into being more and more like His own? Of course He does. Reference 1 Corinthians 13--the GREATEST of these is love.

And while I long to be obsessed (this all is related to Pastor Joey message this past Sunday morning at Lakewood) with my God and Father, everytime I am with Him, in prayer, at church, etc...I am expressing my longing to be with my earthly love. It overwhelms me how much my heart hurts, how much I wish to be with him. And it hurts so bad that I many times don't even feel like expanding my heart and mind to focus on prayer, reading the Word, etc.

Yes, I know that at times you must press through when you feel least like it, I know that to praise is to win the victory, but the heart motives must be correct. I WANT to praise out of utter awe for my Father, I want to pray just to spend time with Him...but the thing is, He is my Father, and I am in pain (did the psalmist not cry out over and over for the Lord to deliver him from distress?) and I SO want to just be delivered--for God to bring to completion His promise to me, to be happy and to be filled with the joy of His salvation "here in the land of the living" (ref. psalm 27:13 "Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.") I ask God to make me to long for Him, to focus on Him, and yet, as James says, "You have not because you ask not" and I fear if I fail to continue in persistant prayer for my love...well, I just long dearly to be with him. To care for him, to love him entirely--for Christ's love to show through me to him...that's what our earthly relationships are for, our romance--to reveal to each of us a deeper revelation of Jesus Christ and God our Father and Agape love.

Lord, lift me up, lift him up, Your will be done! Give me a HUNGER!

in Jesus' mighty name, AMEN!